‘You don’t know what chopsticks are?’ by Emily Hartridge

So I went on a date with a guy that I couldn’t really remember what he looked like….so it didn’t get off to a great start.  As soon as we met (he was wearing awful trousers!), it was clear he wasn’t one of those guys to take control as I already had to decide where we met and what restaurant we went to. I decided on a Japanese restaurant because it was fairly inexpensive and the portions were massive.  After a quick drink in the pub and some fairly awkward chat we headed to the restaurant. We sat down at our table and he immediately looked down to see a pair of chopsticks staring back at him, to which he said ‘What are these?’

In my head, I was obviously like….are you retarded? Have you never seen chopsticks before? It was clear to me that he hadn’t.

The night ended with a pity kiss (by me obviously) and a see ya later…..

He texted the next day. I did not text back.

I know not knowing what chopsticks are doesn’t sound like a deal breaker but I mean come on………..

‘You are boring’ by Andrew Marshall

“I went out on a date with a girl who was incredibly boring. When I tried to insert some fun banter into the conversation, her eyes would droop as if I was boring her unconscious. This began to piss me off more and more until finally I said something. It turned out that she had lazy eyes and was very self-conscious about it.”

‘I hate crazy’ by David Meyers

“I went on a blind date with an estate agent, but that isn’t why it went wrong. We were getting on well enough, she was pretty but was looking around nervously all the time, like she was being hunted. Anyway we ordered our food and tucked in. After a while, I noticed that she’d finished but had left about a third of her food. I asked if everything was ok with the meal. She replied that it was delicious, she just ‘had this thing’ about always leaving a third of the portion. She clarified specifically that this was not for dietary reasons, just a habit that her and her mother both had. I hate waste, and I hate crazy, so it was not going to work. She also held her cutlery like a lobotimised toddler.”

‘My dad just killed himself’ by Anonymous

“I once had a blind date with a girl who had very short teeth, about half the length of a normal set. Anyway, after about twenty minutes of banter I asked her if anything was the matter, as she didn’t seem to be relaxed at all. That’s when she told me about her month. Apparently, her father was a farmer who had very recently committed suicide, they’d found his body in the driveway with a shotgun, although according to her the police were unconvinced that it was self-inflicted. After this terrible revelation and my suggestion that we could always meet up another time, she then mentioned that this was compounded by discovering the fiance of her sister having sex with his own male cousin under a table on the day of the wedding. The marriage still went ahead, despite her warning her sister. The groom then disappeared, only to turn up at their door a few weeks later in a panic, asking if he could hide in their attic because he was being hunted by Interpol. I felt bad, but it was all too much information to take in and she was a wreck, so I suggested we call it a night.”

‘What a dick!’ by Anonymous

“I had a blind date with a seemingly charming guy, very attractive and very confident. We talked and drank all night, and I ended up back at his place and slept with him, which I’d never done before. When I woke up the next morning with a splitting headache I looked around to get my bearings, and noticed that on the opposite wall there were three shelves, with a row of small toys on the bottom one, medium-sized toys on the middle shelf and large funfair sized stuffed bears on the top one. I nudged my bed companion and asked him what the story was behind this. He yawned, then said ‘You were pretty good last night babe, take a prize from the middle shelf.’ “

‘Interesting drink of choice’ by Sarah Taylor

I once cooked a meal for a guy, asked him to supply the drink (by that I meant wine) and he turned up with a bottle of Blue WKD.

‘No vegans allowed’ by Anonymous

The Vegan..nice girl and literally wouldn’t say boo to a goose (on ethical grounds). So you can imagine the fun I had with her (plus she was 6ft). I was thinking about seeing her again until at the end of night I ordered some tea with honey and she went on about the exploitation of bees….I dropped my head in shame only to find a pair of size 11 shiny leather boots staring back at me. That’s right, she was a dodgy vegan with boats for feet. Not ideal.

So essentially I’m done with dodgy Vegans. I think I need a care-free carnivorous type with sensibly sized flippers.

‘I’m completely fucking battered’ by Jack Swain

A girl I had fancied for a good two years finally broke up with her boyfriend, giving me the opportunity to sweep her off her feet. I took her to a swanky wine bar and wooed her like a pro. Two bottles later we stumbled into the night air, arm in arm, at which point she declared in a most unladylike fashion, “I’ve not had any dinner, I’m completely fucking battered.” She made a beeline for a nearby deserted children’s playground where she fell to her knees, retching violently like a cat ejecting a furball. I spent the next hour holding her hair back while she emptied her guts on the seesaw, stopping only to remind me apologetically how much money I’d wasted by buying all that wine. Finally she struggled to her feet, then immediately passed out in my arms. I bundled her into a cab. She regained consciousness just enough to tell me her address; ten minutes later we got there – it was the wrong address. She was so drunk she’d forgotten where she lived. When we did eventually get to her place, the meter read £33.60. Needless to say she’d left her wallet in the bar.

‘Fancy a bath?’ By Anonymous

This bloke who for our first date invited me round to his house, he was wearing a yellow Harold from neighbours shirt but I didn’t let it phase me, he then decided to have a bath. Weird but again, tried not to let it phase me. He then invited me in to chat to him whilst he bathed. Weirder still but I felt rude saying no so I just went along with it. The image of his long hair all wet and sticking to him will stay with me for a long time. Suffice it to say we didn’t go out again.